Chakra Discussions

Suicide of Citra Devi Dasi

by Murlidhar das

Posted September 22, 2010

I went to New Mayapura for the Kuli Mela with my daughter Namamrita and her children. I heard about the suicide of Citra Mataji and felt deep sadness and compassion. Can anyone imagine how much physical and mainly emotional pain she must have been suffering when she set herself alight or jumped into the fire? Can any one of you remember when you burnt yourself, how painful it was? She must been in a terrible, painful hell of isolation.

I personally know devotees in ashrams who deal with their emotional pain by taking antidepressants. I have my pains and turbulences and challenges in my life, but I decided to find people in my life who can listen to my pains with empathy and compassion and who don't come up with solutions of throwing quotes and slokas at me. I feel safe and can let go more and more of my self-inflicted wounds.

We are practicing Bhakti Yoga and, especially now, Lord Chaitanya, the fountain of compassion, sets a good example. What makes us human is to have compassion. There is so much indifference in the temples and ashrams, which doesn't really help the creeper of devotion grow.

It's a wonderful idea to make provisions for older or sick devotees. But it would be wiser to prevent diseases which are usually caused by suppressed emotions.

When will stop pretending we don't know what to do about dealing with our pain? Dhira Govinda had the courage to come forward and help with his awareness. But sadly, he was banned from sharing his gifts by people who don't want change.

I hope we all learned from the incident of Citra prabhu. I certainly made a resolution, and I practice it by reaching more out to all my sisters and brothers. Believe it: it's very satisfying and joyful. Be gentle with yourself.